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Monday, September 27, 2004

Law school makes you boring.

I have no amusing stories. None.

Y'know, I bet this is how it starts:

One day you wake up and the stupid stuff you do and the truly stupid stuff others do-- none of it is funny.

No more stories about the idiot in traffic. Nothing can be said about the fool at the grocery store who is just ahead of you and has a shopping cart full of enema kits and metamucil. (O, I laughed about that for weeks.) No, never again will I find myself during a wintry January stifling a laugh after some poor schmo, who was walking way to fast, has slipped on the ice in the Wal-Mart parking lot and split his trousers. I will just hand him my business card.

What a sad state of affairs it all will be.

And I can't even laugh about my dreams any more. They are now filled with law suits of all kinds. Last night I sued my wife for cheating on me with the guy behind the counter at a McDonalds... O, and she did it right in front of me!!

And my nightmares no longer consist of falling down a hole, or being chased, or coming face-to-face with some kind of ghoul. No. Now I wake up in a cold sweat after being slapped with a Rule 11 sanction by a very angry judge. (He says I shouldn't have sued my wife in the first place. I won't get in to what he recommended I do instead.)

O, the horror! The horror!

But that is just where it begins. Yes, my friends, eventually I will lose the ability to smile all together. That is, perhaps, the most frightening part. I watched a mock trial presentation over the weekend and I swear a couple of those 3Ls have had their mouths permanently formed into a frown.

Even worse, though, is that you will find me someday either at a swank coctail party or just talking over coffee and someone-- who is not a lawyer-- will tell a truly funny joke, a fall on the floor funny joke. And the best I will be able to do is chortle. That's right! Chortle... not even snicker... just chortle.

But, for now, I'm not even sure what "chortling" is. Hopefully I will never know.

Perhaps, instead of all this, I will just become a professor. I suppose then I may never fail to find some source of amusment in the panicked look upon my student's faces as I call upon them to give us the court's holding in the next case. O, what joy it could be to make a 1L cry...


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