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Saturday, May 27, 2006

Capitol-sized Pain in the Ass

I live about a block from the now-infamous Rayburn building on Capitol Hill. I work on "Embassy Row."

Of course I was initially enthralled yesterday by the reports of gun fire and the lock-down of the Capitol. But it did not take long before I'd realized the whole thing was--if not a hoax--definitely a mistake.

There is no shortage of security forces on Capitol Hill. And they are all looking for something to do. From the cop standing on the corner yelling at people who cross the street against the light--("You can't cross!" "Sorry!" "Sorry'll getcha killed!")--to the cops picking up drunk Kennedys off the Capitol steps, to those getting beat on by angry black Congresswomen . . .

They all want something to do, they all want a story they can tell over dinner.

How would this sound to you:

"How was your day, hunny?"

"Fantastic. I stood in the same place for 10 hours today. Holding a machine gun. All I did was watch tourists, staffers, and Congressmen pass me by without notice. Oh, wait, that's not quite true. There was the group from Arkansas that thought I was supposed to be like one of those Royal British guards and not move and stood around taking pictures making faces at me. I don't think they were so happy when I did move, though, and ruined their picture . . ."

BUT, lets say his response was something like this--

"AWESOME!! I finally got to put my training to good use!! I heard shots fired and immediately responded to find a jerk-off with a piss-ant little handgun hiding behind that jack-ass Congressman's BMW--you know, the one that turned me in last month for not calling him "sir"--and I took out BOTH the piss-ant gunman AND the BMW. It was totally sweet!!!!"

Sounds much better, right?

So then if shots were fired yesterday--real shots--then which Capitol police officer heard it and responded and could confirm there was actually gunfire?

None, right? Not really.

So, c'mon, we all knew it was a hoax. But, hey, as long as no one got injured what's the problem. And that same Capitol Police officer got to go home to dinner last night and answer the same question with . . .

"My day was great! We got to lock all of the Congressmen in their offices while we played a few hands of Texas Hold 'Em in the basement . . . It was totally sweet!!"


Blogger Anonymous Law Student said...

Heh, according to Colbert, all the good hooker and texas hold 'em games were until recently, at the Dukester's place.

Now I guess the good games are with the cops in the basement.

5/28/2006 3:40 PM  

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