You have greatly underestimated my ability to be a jerk.

At the age of 18, when I'd first moved to Houston, I immediately took up seeing this Catholic girl we'll call "Jennifer."

Jennifer was a sweet girl, but she had greatly overestimated her ability to manipulate men using her sex appeal, case in point . . .

We started sleeping together the night I was considerate enough to attend her confirmation being overseen by the local archdiocese. I guess that is an attractive thing to girls. That was also my first experience with the stand up, sit down, kneel, sit, kneel, stand, kneel, stand, sit routine . . . and I'm still talking about the church, of course.

Anyway . . .

So one day after we'd been seeing each other for about a month, she calls me from where she is working at Krogers and says:

"I told my co-workers how sweet and romantic you are, and I also told them you would be bringing me roses tonight at work."

"Whoa. Hold on! You told them I am bringing you roses? But I am broke, and I wasn't planning on going anywhere tonight."

"You heard me. I told them you were bringing me roses. If you don't you will look very, very bad. So you have too . . . "

So I get dressed and I run up to the Albertson's across the street from the Krogers where she works. I spend what was basically my last $20 to buy her some roses. And I took them to her.

And I smiled. And I handed her the roses.

But as I did, I leaned in and whispered--still smiling--"Now go screw yourself."

Then I shook her co-worker's hand and left.

To this day it may have been one of the best $20 bills I have ever spent.